I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
wow bdsm is so cute
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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