2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
