when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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