I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
