I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
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