I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
