its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
