The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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