There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
