Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize