I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Randomize
