the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
