Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
