Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
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