I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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