so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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