I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
It was like giving head to a cactus.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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