"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
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