i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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