i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
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