I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I cut my penus on the lid.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
These tits shall not be calmed
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
