Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
