Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
