It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Sext me about skeletons
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
