My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
