Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
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