turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
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