I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
