I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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