A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
