I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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