he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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