it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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