Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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