I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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