He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
