while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
