I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
