i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
PANTIES FOUND
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