Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
