If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
