so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
