K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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