Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
