If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
