Need sex. Gaining weight.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
