My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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