i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
