Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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