i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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