you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Randomize
