He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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