So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
