She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
