i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
