All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
