walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
