are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Randomize