Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
