Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
We left the knife in your bed.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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