This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
