I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Randomize
