please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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